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MORE WEIRD ANIMAL STUFF

Tue, 18 Nov 2008 06:58:00 GMT

John received a parrot as an early Christmas gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse potty-mouth.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.

John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and shoved him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot,
John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued....

........"May I inquire as to what the turkey did?"

Happy Thanksgiving to all ~

THE SCENE STEALER

Tue, 18 Nov 2008 06:43:00 GMT

When your Kodak moment is a keeper!

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 21:41:00 GMT

WHEN I AM KING........

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 14:58:00 GMT

Please note: these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your friends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really, just wear it.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. NUFF SAID.

MORE THOUGHTS ON GOD......

Thu, 15 May 2008 12:11:00 GMT

Dont go to church on sunday
Dont get on my knees to pray
Dont memorize the books of the bible
I got my own special way
Bit I know jesus loves me
Maybe just a little bit more

I fall on my knees every sunday
At zerelda lees candy store

Well its got to be a chocolate jesus
Make me feel good inside
Got to be a chocolate jesus
Keep me satisfied

Well I dont want no anna zabba
Dont want no almond joy
There aint nothing better
Suitable for this boy
Well its the only thing
That can pick me up
Better than a cup of gold
See only a chocolate jesus
Can satisfy my soul

(solo)
When the weather gets rough
And its whiskey in the shade
Its best to wrap your savior
Up in cellophane
He flows like the big muddy
But thats ok
Pour him over ice cream
For a nice parfait

Well its got to be a chocolate jesus
Good enough for me
Got to be a chocolate jesus
Good enough for me

Well its got to be a chocolate jesus
Make me feel good inside
Got to be a chocolate jesus
Keep me satisfied

~TOM WAITS

IS THE UNIVERSE INTELLIGENT?

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 11:57:00 GMT

GOD IS HIDING FROM US....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DfPeprQ7oGc

God is a Jayhawk

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 12:34:00 GMT

"O Lord our Father, our young Jayhawks, idols of our hearts, go forth to the National Championship -- be Thou near them!

With them -- in spirit -- we also go forth from the sweet peace of our couches and TV sets to smite the unworthy foe. O Lord our God, help us to tear their man to man defense to shreds; help us to cover their three point shooters like white on rice; help us to silence the delight of the record setting team from Memphis with the shrieks of their fans, writhing in disbelief; help us to fast break with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending Alumni with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out winless, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the Championship and denied it -- for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their shooting arms, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, block their way with tenacious D!

We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.

Another Test for Habeas Corpus

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 12:33:00 GMT

One of the dismal hallmarks of the Bush administration’s conduct of the war on terror has been its obsession with avoiding outside scrutiny of its actions, including by the federal courts. In particular, it has attacked habeas corpus, the guarantee that prisoners can challenge their confinement before a judge. The administration is doing so again in an important Supreme Court case concerning the habeas rights of American citizens held abroad. The justices should rule that the detainees have a right to review by a United States court.

The two plaintiffs in the case, which was argued in March, are American civilians in Iraq. Shawqi Ahmad Omar and Mohammad Munaf are being held at an Army-run detention center in Baghdad, for transfer to the Iraqis on criminal charges. Mr. Munaf’s conviction on kidnapping charges was overturned, but he may face further charges. Mr. Omar was captured by the American military at his home in Baghdad, and was accused of harboring insurgent fighters. Both men claim to be innocent. Human rights groups warn that they could face torture if they are transferred to Iraqi custody.

Mr. Omar and Mr. Munaf are asking a federal court to review their confinement. Just four years ago, the Supreme Court upheld the habeas rights of an American citizen, Yaser Hamdi, who was captured by the Northern Alliance in Afghanistan in 2001, and then imprisoned in Navy brigs in the United States.

The Hamdi decision should settle this case. To get around this recent precedent, the administration claims that the men are beyond the reach of American courts because the troops holding them are part of a multinational force authorized by the United Nations. The administration is relying on a Supreme Court ruling from 1948, Hirota v. MacArthur, that rejected habeas corpus petitions from Japanese prisoners who were being held in Japan under the authority of the Allied Supreme Commander there, Gen. Douglas MacArthur.

The Hirota case is inapplicable because it involved Japanese soldiers, not American citizens. Even if that were not so, the chain of command of the military in Iraq runs to the president. The administration cannot pretend the United States military in Iraq is not an American force in order to evade American law.

The administration is no doubt hoping that the changes in the makeup of the court since Hamdi was decided will produce a different result. For the sake of civil liberties and the court’s own integrity, it should not. At the oral argument, Justice David Souter called the administration’s reasoning “a little scary.” Extremely scary is more like it.

A LESS CONTENTIOUS VOTE

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 11:07:00 GMT

It's fun....it's freeee...wheeeeee!

http://www.ksrevenue.org/apps/vote.aspx

Seriously, I did not know this existed. I feel OLD.

Learning To Be Silent

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 12:23:00 GMT

The pupils of the Tendai school used to study meditation before Zen entered Japan. Four of them who were intimate friends promised one another to observe seven days of silence.

On the first day all were silent. Their meditation had begun auspiciously, but when night came and the oil lamps were growing dim one of the pupils could not help exclaiming to a servant: "Fix those lamps."

The second pupil was surprised to hear th first one talk. "We are not supposed to say a word," he remarked.

"You two are stupid. Why did you talk?" asked the third.

"I am the only one who has not talked," concluded the fourth pupil.

Whoopee, spring AGAIN !

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 15:40:00 GMT

Dodging tornados this morning.

Already had to pile everybody here into the basement once.

A Politician Who "Gets It"

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 15:00:00 GMT

It's not about the President. It's not about the Congress person. It's about me. This is my country. I'm gonna fight for it. I'm gonna remake in the image of our ancestors. I'm gonna show that love will prevail over ignorance, over bigotry, over division, that I will unify our country through my spirit, through my blood. And if everybody stopped talking and started focusing on doing something more than I did yesterday in order to change tomorrow, then we're gonna have the America of our dreams.

~Cory Booker

read the entire interview here:

http://www.pbs.org/moyers/journal/03282008/transcript2.html

Frail Grasp On The Big Picture

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 14:47:00 GMT

Well, ain't it a shame
That our short little memories
Never seem to learn
The message of history
We keep makin' the same mistakes
Over and over and over and over again
And then we wonder why
We're in the shape we're in

Good ol' boys down at the bar
Peanuts and politics
They think they know it all
They don't know much of nothing
Even if one of them was to read the newspaper
Cover-to-cover
That ain't what's going on
Journalism's dead and gone

Frail grasp on the big picture
Light fading and the fog is getting thicker
It's a frail grasp on the big picture
Dark ages

You my love-drunk friend
All that red wine and candlelight
Soulful conversations
That go on until the dawn
How many times can you tell your story?
How many hangovers can you endure
Just to get some snuggling done?
You're living in a hollow dream
You don't have the slightest notion
What long-term love is all about
All your romantic liasons
Don't deal with eternal questions like
Who left the cap off the freaking toothpaste?
Whose turn to take the garbage out?

Frail grasp on the big picture
You keep on rubbin' that, you're gonna get a blister
It's a frail grasp on the big picture
I've seen it all before

And we pray to our Lord
Who we know is American
He reigns from on high
He speaks to us through middlemen
And he shepherds his flock
We sing out and we praise His name
He supports us in war
He presides over football games
And the right will prevail
All our troubles shall be resolved
We have faith in the Lord
Unless there's money or sex involved

Frail grasp on the big picture
Nobody's calling them for roughing up the pitcher (?)
It's a frail grasp on the big picture
Heaven help us

Frail grasp on the big picture
All waiting for that miracle elixir
Frail grasp on the big picture
I don't wonder anymore

Frail grasp on the big picture
Somebody says, "You brought her here so go ahead and kiss her
Frail grasp on the big picture

Frail grasp on the big picture
Light fading and the fog is getting thicker
It's a frail grasp on the big picture

Frail grasp on the big picture
Frail grasp on the big picture

The Eagles

Broken Ice in Antarctica

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 10:39:00 GMT

Winter is coming to Antarctica, and that may be the only thing that keeps another of its major ice shelves from collapsing. On Tuesday, scientists from the British Antarctic Survey announced that there had been an enormous fracture on the edge of the Wilkins ice shelf, which started breaking last month.

That province of ice, a body of permanent floating ice about the size of Connecticut, lies on the western edge of the Antarctic Peninsula, the part of the continent regarded as most vulnerable to climate change. Scientists flew over the break — itself covering some 160 square miles — and what they saw is remarkable: huge, geometrically fractured slabs of ice and, among them, the rubble of a catastrophic breach. A great swath of the ice shelf is being held in place by a thin band of ice.

What matters isn’t just the scale of this breakout. Changes in wind patterns and water temperatures related to global warming have begun to erode the ice sheets of western Antarctica at a faster rate than previously detected, and the total collapse of the Wilkins ice shelf is now within the realm of possibility.

It also comes as a reminder that the warming of Earth’s surface is occurring much faster at the poles than it is in more temperate regions. It is easy to think of ice as somehow temporary, but scientists say that the Wilkins ice shelf may have been in place for at least several hundred years.

Nothing dramatizes the urgency of global warming quite like a fracture of this scale. There is nothing to be done about a collapsing polar ice sheet except to witness it. It may be too late to stop the warming decay at the boundaries of Antarctic ice, yet there is everything to be done. Humans can radically change the way they live and do business, knowing that it is the one chance to find a possible limit to radical change in the natural world around us.

Nothing Exists

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 20:20:00 GMT

Yamaoka Tesshu, as a young student of Zen, visited one master after another. He called upon Dokuon of Shokoku.

Desiring to show his attainment, he said: "The mind, Buddha, and sentient beings, after all, do not exist. The true nature of phenomena is emptiness. There is no relaization, no delusion, no sage, no mediocrity. There is no giving and nothing to be received."

Dokuon, who was smoking quietly, said nothing. Suddenly he whacked Yamaoka with his bamboo pipe. This made the youth quite angry.

"If nothing exists," inquired Dokuon, "where did this anger come from?"

HERES A BETTER STIMULUS PLAN

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 20:07:00 GMT

– by Jim Hightower

Get ready, get set. stimulate!

Washington is about to mail $600 checks to you, me, and nearly everyone else (unless you're poor - then you only get half that). The checks are to prompt us to "go shopping," as George W so eloquently sums up our chief duty as citizens. This is Washington's bipartisan plan to stimulate the American economy and avoid a recession.

Well, they're a bit late for most Americans, since the working-class majority sank deeply into recession long ago. But there's also a basic flaw in Washington's strategy of using shopping as an economic stimulus: most of the stuff we'll buy with our government checks is made in China or other low-wage nations. So our so-called leaders are shipping $168 billion from our public treasury for a "stimulus" program that essentially will stimulate foreign economies. Goofy, huh?

Meanwhile, back at Ranchito USA, there's lots of stimulating that could be done, returning a huge benefit to our people and our nation for every dollar spent. Even as Bush and Congress were telling us to go shopping for foreign stuff, a federal commission issued a startling report calculating that we need to be spending $225 billion a year - for the next 50 years - just to maintain and upgrade America's vital infrastructure of roads, bridges, and transportation systems. That doesn't count our decaying water systems, sewage plants, dams, and schools, nor our inadequate internet and phone systems, our flickering power grid - and the exciting potential of building a new green energy infrastructure.

You want stimulation? Let's invest our public dollars - and leverage trillions of private dollars - in a grassroots recovery program that will put millions of skilled laborers, entrepreneurs, inventors, small business people, and others to work rebuilding America's future. A good job at good wages doing good work beats a $600 check any day.

The Campaign Monitor Goes Missing

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 11:06:00 GMT

Moneywise, this is an eerily liberating time to be running for president or Congress. Donations are being harvested and spent at a record rate, while the Federal Election Commission — the campaign’s designated referee — has been reduced to a nonentity.

The panel has been unable to meet and function this year because it no longer has enough members to do business. There are four vacancies on the six-member commission, and a political standoff in the Senate centered on a hack Republican nominee is blocking attempts to fill them.

Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, the Senate’s Republican leader, has insisted that the four seats be filled as a single package on one vote, not separate votes on the merits of the individuals. Democrats object to one Republican nominee, Hans von Spakovsky, a notorious partisan who built a record at the Justice Department as an aggressive G.O.P. booster undermining voting rights for minorities and the poor.

Lacking a quorum, the commission has been left powerless to issue advisory opinions for candidates, write new reform regulations, open investigations and file lawsuits against violators. The result is a scofflaw’s paradise. The political landscape’s big-money fast lanes are slick enough without having the only traffic controller gone missing.

What this means on a practical level is that the supposed new breakthrough law called the Honest Leadership and Open Government Act is gathering cobwebs. The commission has been unavailable to write enforcement regulations for a law that could not be timelier. It requires presidential and Congressional candidates to report to the public on their lucrative bundled contributions — the large packages of multiple donations that lobbyists and other favor-seekers amass to secure out-size gratitude from candidates. If the commission ever gets back in business, the elections could be over and severe damage already done to the campaign.

Surely, Senator McConnell — long an outspoken opponent of campaign-finance reform — can’t mean to block a vital new law of the land in order to champion a discredited ward-heeler.

Another Mediocre (2nd place) Phillips

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 11:25:00 GMT

Washington Post, 3-1-08

Dakota Abbott, 16, edged Samantha Phillips, 17, to become Miss Outdoors 2008 in February in Maryland's Eastern Shore region's annual beauty-contest-and-muskrat-skinning festival. The two were the only beauty contestants (out of eight) who entered both competitions. Abbott won her skinning division, but while she sang a song for the judges, Phillips won the talent trophy by skinning a muskrat on stage. "I'll be honest," she said to a Washington Post reporter. "I can't sing. I can't dance, and I don't play any musical instruments." But she took her 4-inch blade, sticking it just above the tail, and sliced. "You want to take your knuckles and separate the meat from the hide, just like this," she told the judges, with her hand inside the muskrat (as one of the judges recoiled in shock).

Moral of da story: Don't mess wit da Phillips Clan. Even sweet Samantha knows how ta gut n' skin! HA!

BANKING ON A BAILOUT

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 05:25:00 GMT

– by Jim Hightower

What's good for Bank of America is good for America - right?

Well, that's what this huge banking conglomerate is telling the White House and Congress. These bankers have quietly been circulating a proposal in Washington that they've dubbed the "Homeowners Preservation Corporation." They assert that they are concerned about the little folks who've been caught up in the subprime mortgage collapse, so they're urging a government bailout that would allow these hard-pressed borrowers to refinance and keep their homes. Wow - what altruism!

Uh. Did I mention that Bank of America has several tons of these bad loans hanging over its corporate head? Did I mention that it has already pocketed huge fees for packaging billions of dollars worth of these risky mortgages into intricate, unregulated financial schemes that are now collapsing? Did I mention that Bank of America is presently taking over Countrywide corporation, America's largest huckster of these subprime mortgages, which will essentially be bankrupt if it doesn't get a bailout?

Corporate altruism, you see, starts at home.

Gosh, it seems like only yesterday that these high-flying bankers were working with President George W. Bush and Congress to deregulate their financial operations so they could engage in "financial innovations" like subprime mortgages. But - oops! - now that their laissez-faire adventurism is pinching their bottoms, they're suddenly pleading for a heavy dose of socialistic intervention into their free enterprises. Indeed, banking buccaneers are now telling Washington that some $739 billion of their home loans are at risk of defaulting. So, please, they cry: Intrude!

Thousands of modest income Americans were duped and even defrauded by such subprime pushers as Countrywide and Bank of America. The White House and Congress should be helping the dupees - not the profiteers who did the duping.

Gazinta's. take-aways, not-not's & cipherin' in Kansas

Sat, 22 Mar 2008 13:16:00 GMT

Remember when grandparents and great-grandparents stated that they only had an 8th grade education? Well, check this out. Could any of us have passed the 8th grade in 1895?

This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 in Salina, Kansas, USA. It was taken from the original document on file at the SmokeyValley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, KS, and reprinted by the Salina Journal.

8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS, 1895

Grammar (Time, 1 hour)

1. Give nine rules for the use of capital letters.

2. Name the parts of speech and define those that have no modifications.

3. Define verse, stanza and paragraph.

4. What are the principal parts of a verb? Give principal parts of "lie," "play," and "run."

5. Define case; Illustrate each case.

6. What is punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of punctuation.

7-10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

Arithmetic (Time, 1:25 hours)

1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.

2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?

3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50cts/bushel, deducting 1050 lbs. for tare?

4. District No 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?

5. Find the cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.

6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.

7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $20 per meter?

8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.

9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance of which is 640 rods?

10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt

US History (Time, 45 minutes)

1. Give the epochs into which US History is divided.

2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.

3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.

4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.

5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.

6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.

7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?

8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, 1865.

Orthography (Time, 1 hour)

Do we even know what this is?

1. What is meant by the following: Alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, syllabication.

2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?

3. What are the following, and give examples of each: Trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals.

4. Give four substitutes for caret "u."

5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e.' Name two exceptions under each rule.

6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.

7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup.

8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.

9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.

10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.

Geography (Time, 1 hour)

1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?

2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?

3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?

4. Describe the mountains of North America.

5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco.

6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U. S.

7. Name all the republics of Europe and give the capital of each.

8. Why is the AtlanticCoast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?

9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.

10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give the inclination of the earth.

Notice that the exam took FIVE HOURS to complete. Gives the saying "he only had an 8th grade education" a whole new meaning, doesn't it?