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MILITARY WISDOM

Sat, 14 Mar 2009 18:29:00 GMT

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' - Infantry Journal
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'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.' - U.S. Air Force Manual
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'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur
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'You, you, and you ... Panic.

The rest of you, come with me.' - U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant
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'Tracers work both ways.' - U.S. Army Ordnance
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'Five second fuses only last three seconds.' - Infantry Journal
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'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
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'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.' - Unknown Marine Corps Recruit
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'If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him!' - USAF Ammo Troop
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'Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.' -SR-71 pilot
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'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.' - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
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'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
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'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
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'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
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'Even with ammunition, the Air Force is just another expensive flying club.'
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'What is the similarity between Air Traffic Controllers (ATC) and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies.'
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'Never trade luck for skill.'
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words), in aviation are:
'Why is it doing that? 'Where are we?' And; 'Oh S !'
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'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
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'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!'
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'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
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'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you'
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
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'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'
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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft , having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (test pilot)

ANOTHER POINTLESS POST

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 11:45:00 GMT

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord, please take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey!”

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?” The man said, “I do, Father.” The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.” Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?” “Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.

“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?” O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.”

The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?” O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes; I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, “Okay, pedestrians.” Then he’d allow the traffic to pass. He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, “Pedestrians!” for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. “Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!” “Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are ye callin’ from?”

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the priest.

The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.” “Oh yeah?” said Charlie, “And how did this one end?”

“When it was over,” Mike replied, “She came to me on her hands and knees.

“Really,” said Charles, “Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”

She said, “Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.”

EAR-WITNESS NEWS !

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 12:00:00 GMT

Now, this is the right way to start the day!

Turn up your sound and click on the website below.

This accident happened in the Dallas-Ft. Worth area and you must listen to it.

It is a phone call from a man who witnesses a car accident involving four elderly women. It was so popular when they played it on CHUM FM that they had to put it on their website.

The guy's laugh is contagious. Just close your eyes and picture what he sees.

http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf

Thanks Jim

The Evolution of Fashion

Mon, 10 Mar 2008 10:48:00 GMT

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense'.

The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'

'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, 'So, how long have you been wearing one?';

'Ever since my wife found it in my truck.'

(I always wondered how this trend got started.)

LOVE, American Style

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 12:10:00 GMT

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

So, I was a thinken’….just to improve our love life….

"From now on when I say BELL 1 I want you to strip naked.

When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed.

And when I say BELL 3 we are going to make love all night. "

The next night he came home from work and yelled;

"BELL 1!"

The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

Then he yelled "BELL 2!"

The wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled "BELL 3!"….

They began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4, damn it, BELL 4!"

"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied.

"YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!"

MODERN MATURITY

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 20:18:00 GMT

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house; mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in crotch, old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never k now, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it; add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy's bait shop and it says, "I Got Worms".

In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose off the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready too. Don't' even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and walk around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. The old lady that greeted you at the front door went to school with you.

A TAXING CONVERSATION

Wed, 05 Mar 2008 12:13:00 GMT

(Thanks Julie)

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'
'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to
the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
candles.'
'Oh', replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way,
'What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs?'
'Ah, yes', replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them
back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box
of holy biscuits.'
'I see!' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi', he went on, 'What do you do with
all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'We save up all the
foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and once a year they send us
a complete prick!'

LINDA'S LIST (condensed version)

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 21:41:00 GMT

1) Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink

2) You only need two tools in life -WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and it does, use the duct tape.

3) If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem. (Now you need a screwdriver and a hammer.)

4) Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Have a wonderful evening. Hope your favorite A.I. person stays in tonight!

Especially since the Hawks ain't been flying so well this season.

The Hunters, the Goat, and a Sink Hole

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 13:30:00 GMT

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon

a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the

size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom,

I wonder how deep it is?"

The second hunter says, "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen

and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old transmission here, give me a hand

and we'll throw it in and see."

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two, and three, and

throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the

edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around

they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no

hesitation, and jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole,

and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat

around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here

a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert

miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!"

And the old farmer said, "Why, that's impossible, I had him chained to

a transmission! "

3:10 TO DENVER

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 13:47:00 GMT

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Wichita, Kansas while awaiting their respective flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Oklahoma. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Denver for a livestock show, & the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at KansasCollege from the Middle East. Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few." The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Wyoming cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl.....

"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet,

but I do believe it's a-comin".

MEN ARE BETTER FRIENDS?

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 14:15:00 GMT

Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and three said that he was still there.

THE TASER STORY....thanks Julie!

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 12:37:00 GMT

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15^th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate
time to retreat to safety...
I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries
in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against
a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arch of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have
yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, and Taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly
make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries?? All the while
I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5” long, less than ¾
inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy,
bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best...
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say, ‘don’t do it master,’ reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and......
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
in my eyes, body soaking wet, both eyeballs on fire, with my left arm
tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, ‘Do it
again, stupid, do it again!’
Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Taser,
one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst
when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three-second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-GUN... That hurt like the devil!!! A minute or so later (I can’t
be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits
(what little I had left) sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading
glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My
triceps, right thigh and both eye corneas were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs.

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens
me with it! Her threats work.

WELCOME TO MEDIOCRITY

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 16:02:00 GMT

Entry Word: mediocre

Function: adjective

1) of average to below average quality <your grades are mediocre and barely acceptable>

2) Synonyms: common, fair, indifferent, medium, middling, ordinary, passable, run-of-the-mill, second-rate, so-so

3) Related Words: acceptable, adequate, all right, alright, decent, OK (or okay), reasonable, satisfactory, sufficient, sufficing, tolerable; moderate, modest; presentable, respectable; minimal, unexceptional; fine, good, nice

I'm still looking for you! ~Tracy